How To Choose Your People Chapter 6

Chapter 6 — Propitiation (0.8)

PROPITIATION (0.8)

Propitiation: To appease and make favorable, conciliate. – Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Some years ago an elderly family friend often invited me to her home for dinner after I finished work. She was thoughtful, generous and a superb cook. Why, I wondered, did I feel depressed after these visits? One evening on arriving for dinner I offered to help her in the kitchen. ''Oh, I wouldn't think of it," she said, "You look tired. Why don't you just lie down on the couch and rest awhile?" Usually I resisted her solicitous attentions, but this evening I decided to surrender. I lay down on the couch as she suggested. Soon she appeared with a blanket. A short time later she brought me a pillow. She returned several times to flutter over me and inquire about my comfort. When dinner was ready, she offered to serve me a tray so I wouldn't need to get up. By this time I realized that if I remained there much longer I'd probably turn into an invalid, even though a few hours earlier I walked in the door as a reasonably happy, healthy twenty-three-year-old. Maybe you can't kill somebody with kindness, but the Propitiation person is going to try.

He makes friendly overtures to gain someone's favor. He gives – himself, his services, his talent, his time, his possessions or his creations. He seems to ask nothing in return. Well, what's so bad about that? Isn't this the kind of person we've been looking for – someone to serve us, and to give us desirable baubles? Aren't generous, unselfish people the good guys after all?

THE HIDDEN INTENTION

This tone position is a paradox because it looks so admirable at first glance. Of course, there is a place for the generous person – high on the tone scale. Upscale we find that a person often gives more than he receives; he needs less. High-tone help and generosity are motivated by a genuine intention to improve conditions. Intention makes the difference. The compulsive Propitiation we find at .8 is motivated by an intention to stop.

He's low-tone.

Propitiation is actually part of the Fear band (which extends from .8 through 1.2 on the scale). The person at this tone, however, is unaware of his fear. He retains memories of Grief so he tries to buy his way into good favor to prevent coming to Grief again. His propitiative gestures are performed to protect himself from bad effects. He can tolerate little effect on himself. Just try to give him something in return. I once knew a Propitiation neighbor who frequently baby-sat for me, but refused to accept return favors or payment. One day she was complaining about the high cost of barbers, so I offered to give haircuts to her three boys. This seemed a fine opportunity to repay her many kindnesses, so I was delighted when she accepted my offer. A few days afterward, however, she presented me with a gift worth twice the value of the haircuts. I decided to quit playing barber before she went broke.

TO STOP SOMEONE

To stop someone, give him lots of (unearned) objects that he considers desirable, wait on him, do things for him. The more we give someone, the more unhappy he becomes. Why? Because it stunts his ability to earn these things for himself. Given enough, he either runs away (if he's bent toward survival) or curls up in Apathy, no longer confident of the ability to provide for himself. The .8 wife will try to stop her husband (from leaving, criticizing or disliking her) by polishing his shoes, cooking his favorite food and faithfully serving him. Thus, even in his most disgruntled moments, he's forced to admit that she's a "good wife." The Propitiative husband operates in a similar manner: just when his wife nearly works up the courage to walk out on him, he brings home a cozy mink coat for her.

PARENTS

The propitiative parent unconsciously creates a weak child. Junior is planning to break away from home; he's going on a junket around the world. Dad says, "I've been thinking of getting you a car, son. What kind do you think you'd like?"

If son is weak enough for the glitter of chrome to blind his ambitions, he steps into the trap. Soon Dad will be saying, "Maybe after you think it over, you'll want to come into the business with me. You could do worse. You'll never want for anything."

If the boy yields on the basis of what he will get, rather than a genuine interest in the business, he's stopped. It's a short trip downscale to Apathy.

I saw this happen to a sparkling, fun-loving young girl. As a high school graduation gift, her parents gave her a small shop with a going business. They never let go of the gift, however. They still hover around "helping" her and reminding her of frequently neglected chores. Sometimes, when the kindly admonishments become too heavy, she sullenly responds: "I didn't ask for this business anyway."

Most of the time she slumps around in Apathy, all of her sparkle gone. She's nearly forgotten whatever it was that she planned to do with her life.

If Dad works nineteen hours a day because he enjoys it, that's fine. If he works so his children "will never want for anything," it's misplaced kindness. The child of an over-indulgent parent becomes lazy; he lies around unwilling to work and feeling that the world owes him a living. His early attempts to contribute were squelched; the acquisitions came too easy; why work? He develops a comfortable philosophy: "If he wants to give me money, let him. It makes him feel better." If the child is higher-tone, he leaves, refusing further help. When this happens, the parent drops the short distance to Grief and wails: "How can he be so ungrateful after all we did for him?"

The upscale parent permits his child the dignity of working and learning to provide for his own needs. This makes the youngster feel wonderful; he's worth something.

COMING UP FROM GRIEF

The .8 tone is fine if one is just passing through. When a person, grieving over a recent loss, stops feeling sorry for himself and becomes interested in you (perhaps inquiring about your health or offering you a cup of coffee), it's a good sign. I once read an article which promised to divulge the secret of "being happy." The writer described several cases of grieving widows who found happiness by getting interested in other people worse off than themselves. Some of them went to work in hospitals; others taught retarded children or joined charity groups. In essence she told the reader to be interested in others, rather than himself. Good advice for Grief; but if a person parks in Propitiation chronically he'll never find that promised happiness.

GIVE AND TAKE

The main reason Propitiation drives a high-tone person downscale is because the flow is moving in one direction only. We humans are healthiest and happiest when we balance up our giving and receiving. I used to drop in on a friend of mine who always wanted to feed me. Sometimes, having eaten earlier, I declined. This never deterred her; she always prepared food anyway and if I didn't eat it she became quite distressed . That's another way to stop a person stuff him with so much food he can't move.

BUSINESS

At first glance, Propitiation would seem just the right tone to hire. He'll work for practically nothing and give his all for the cause. Not so. Although he flaunts a strong sense of duty, he's ineffective on the job. He makes mistakes, crumbles in a crisis and he'll try to give away your whole business. Most low tones are wasteful, but Propitiation must be; that's his whole theme song. He'll design and mail tons of ineffective advertising. He'll place expensive ads that neglect to give the company address. (I know a Detroit woman who failed in three business ventures this past year. Recently she opened still another shop. She ran a large, expensive ad in the paper which glowingly described her product and the exact business hours, but neglected to mention the name or the address of the store!) Propitiation will give away premiums and neglect to follow up. He'll donate your services for "good will" when you can't afford it. He'll send out sales notices that arrive two days after the event. He'll propose elaborate "money making" schemes which can cost you a fortune. He has to flow things out. He'll give away your profits just as he gives himself.

PROPITIATIVE GROUPS

Whole segments of society are grouped together on this tone, particularly charities and government agencies that exist to care for the downtrodden. These are fine if they actually help the unfortunate individual regain his self-reliance. Charities which donate without rehabilitating, however, help the losers stay down. Thus we wind up with two large factions: l) those who need to give and 2) the Grief/Apathy ones who sob that they can't find work, never get the breaks and want someone to take care of them . It would seem that these two groups could nicely satisfy each other. To some extent they do, but they also spend far too much time trying to shame higher-tone people into their game – and they're dedicated to channeling tax money and charitable contributions into low-tone "help" endeavors.

The more we support giveaway programs, the more individual self-reliance crumbles and we slide downhill as a society. This doesn't mean we should give the fallen man another kick. We mustn't cover him with a blanket either. Get him on his feet. A charity which provides for physical needs while failing to restore the individual's independence and self-respect is the cruelest of all; it keeps him stuck at the bottom of the scale crying for more handouts. For this reason most massive welfare programs don't solve poverty and unemployment. They actually breed these conditions. We gradually cease to survive as a society when we try to satisfy the requirements of the body alone. Food, warmth and shelter may satisfy the needs of an animal; but man requires the dignity of self-worth.

APPEASEMENT

Since .8 is basically a tone of appeasement – a tone used to stop – it is the most frequently adopted even by higher-tone people) to mollify Anger and Grief. "If I'm real nice to him, maybe he won't hurt me." Or, "There, there, don't cry; I'll give you a cookie." This is the store clerk who waits on the loud, angry customer first. Here is the university which yields to a few dissenting students to avoid trouble. Here is the company leader who gives in under threats of violence from unions. Here is the government which surrenders to those who wail the loudest and takes from the person who is quietly doing his job and contributing the most. Continually appeasing the noisy, non-producer, Propitiation fixes both the giver and the receiver low on the scale.

SUMMARY

In deep Fear, the .8 offers soft words or expensive presents. He seems to be asking for a license to survive; but he's always motivated by an effort to stop. Don't be fooled by the apparent kindness. He's doing favors to protect himself from bad effects. He bustles through life maintaining a mild faith that if he does "good unto others" he'll come out all right. He'll try to keep you from high-tone activities. He wants you down in Apathy where you can't hurt him. And that's mostly all that's wrong with Propitiation – he needs to keep someone below him to "do for." Let's crawl out of this pretty trap.