How To Choose Your People Chapter 23

Chapter 23 — How to Handle People by Tone Matching

HOW TO HANDLE PEOPLE BY TONE MATCHING

How can you inspire discouraged salesmen? What do you do with the 1.1 who's trying to destroy you? How do you stop the antagonistic interviewer from attacking you? What's the best way to get the indifferent customer to buy? How do you cheer up a friend? What do you do when someone gets angry at you?

In other words, how do you handle low-tone people? (High-tone people don't need handling; they are to enjoy.)

If you're just interested in getting on with your job, and not doing a major overhaul, you can try tone matching.

WHAT IS TONE MATCHING?

Tone matching means knowingly adjusting to the tone level of the other person. We do this by going to the same tone or one notch above.

When you tone match with a person, he'll like you better and, if he's regularly higher on the scale, you can lift him back up. If he's chronically low, you may raise him, but it will be only temporary. In such a case the person may develop a dependency on you – someone who understands and gives him a lift. Unless you like carrying a load of hitchhikers all the time, you will want to know how to bring him chronically upscale so he can move on his own wheels. Naturally this is what we want for those closest to us, so other methods of tone raising are discussed in the next chapter. Meanwhile we need a way to cope effectively with those short-term associates we meet daily.

FINDING HIM

If you're not sure where someone is on the scale you can do a fast conversational test to find out what he likes to hear and talk about. To do this, you start with high-tone creative ideas. If no response, make small talk about the weather, speak with Anger or Antagonism about something, offer a rumor, mention something frightening, discuss some poor, unfortunate souls, remark that things aren't like they used to be or talk about the hopelessness of it all.

As you work down, the person will respond when you make remarks on his tone level. In fact, it's seldom necessary to do this much talking, as he'll usually display his tone in the first words he uses.

With this test, you are finding out what is real to the individual. Once you converse on his tone level for a while, he will decide that you're a pretty understanding person. He'll like you. If he moves easily on the scale, you can go up a notch and he'll come with you. By shifting higher, one tone at a time, you can talk him up the scale. Some people are so rigidly immobile that they cannot move more than one step up from their customary tone. Fortunately, they're not common.

In this chapter we'll give some examples of tone matching and, in some cases, of tone raising, at the various emotional levels.

APATHY

If you're trying to reach someone who's in bed in deep Apathy (ill or in shock), you'll find that verbal communications don't make it. Thoughts are unreal to him; even the physical universe is somewhat unreal. To get through to him, use a physical communication. Touch his shoulder or take his hand in yours. He'll be more aware of your hand than anything you say. After awhile, if he's responding to your touch and acting more alive, start drawing his attention to various objects in the room. You might mention a picture on the wall, a vase of flowers or get him to feel the texture of the bed covers. Anything you can do to make him aware of the environment around him may help to bring him a bit up-tone. Don't try to communicate an idea or thought. Just cause him to be aware that he's here.

The ambulatory Apathy person is often difficult to reach (especially if he claims everything is fine). The two aforementioned methods are both helpful – hand contact and getting him to notice and touch objects in the environment. I sometimes break through this false serenity by discussing the broken dream that put the person in Apathy. If you reach him this way, expect tears, because it's Grief he's holding off. After he unloads it all, he'll move on up.

I know one fellow who shook a girl out of Apathy by talking about imminent death. This was so real to her that she responded. When he offered a bit of hope, she moved up to Making Amends saying, "What can I do?" Soon she was sobbing. Interestingly, several people in the environment were perturbed because he "upset" her. On the contrary, he brought her up to caring about her condition . A short time later she was actually upscale enough to get into constructive action.

GRIEF

Most people instinctively go to Propitiation or Sympathy with a case of Grief. When there's a death, we send flowers or bake a cake for the mourning family. These are natural gestures, and they're real to the person in Grief. He won't respond to any tone higher. (Don't tell a person in Grief that it's "all for the best." It could push him into Apathy.)

The response on this tone band is evident in a report from two psychologists running a clinic for alcoholics. As part of the therapy, the psychologists held regular group discussions with the patients. One day one of the former alcoholics commented: "It's too bad you can't find a single true friend in this world."

Someone else responded, apathetically, that it was kind of foolish and hopeless to even look for one. The others joined in the discussion. A few of them said that you might locate one true friend; but most of them agreed there was no such thing. The psychologist suggested they agree on a definition: "What do we mean by the term true friend?"

After a little deliberation, the group agreed on a definition: "A true friend is a person who would give you the shirt off his back." Here we see individuals who are in Apathy or Grief and the only kind of a friend who would be real to them is one notch higher on the tone scale: Propitiation.

HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR PEOPLE 128 RUTH MINSHULL

To tone match with somebody in the sub-subbasement, your conversation must descend to the sub-basement. To bring a Grief person upscale, do things for him, then pour on the Sympathy until he's satiated: "Oh, you poor thing. I don't know how you stand it. You certainly get all the bad breaks. I can't imagine how you endure it all. It amazes me that you're still going on." With any luck, he'll decide you're very understanding and soon he'll say, "Oh, it isn't all that bad." After that, you should be able to bring him on up to the point where he will receive constructive help.

You don't always need to go this far of course (pouring it on so thick) but the important point is this: don't tell him he has no reason to grieve. It won't work. He'll only conclude that you don't really understand him.

PROPITIATION

Blakely was a house guest with Mr. and Mrs. Porter when he accidentally broke a chair in his room. Deeply apologetic, he asked his hostess to send him the bill for repairs. "Oh, no," she insisted, "that chair was already cracked. We should have fixed it long ago."

"I don't believe that. You're just trying to make me feel better. Please send me the bill."

Mrs. Porter never did send him the bill, so Blakely mailed her a check imploring her to fill in the correct amount. She eventually did; but she felt guilty about it.

When two Propitiation people meet, they create a frustrating impasse. Even when your sense of justice is abused, the best way to handle Propitiation is to accept his offering and thank him profusely. Otherwise, he'll be miserable. You can bring him upscale as you would a Sympathy person, which will be described next.

SYMPATHY

I was talking to a chronic Sympathy woman one day. She planned to become involved with a drug rehabilitation program because she was sorry for the drug users. She possessed neither the training nor the ability to give them any real assistance (in fact, I knew if she followed her intention, she would soon be wallowing in Grief), so I started talking Fear, warning her of all the possible consequences. Was she prepared to manage this problem and that one? You'd better be careful... To my relief, she said, "You know, I'm afraid I'm not actually ready to take this on yet."

We started gossiping about the incompetents now running the group in question. Eventually she reached an antagonistic determination to become better trained so she could join in and "really do something." This was considerably higher-tone than the compulsion to leap into a situation where she could only lose.

FEAR

A 1.0 can be reached by discussing all the dreadful things there are to worry about. If you want to lift him up a slot, suggest covert ways of dealing with something that he considers threatening. If he's afraid his house will be robbed, discuss alarms, booby traps and hidden weapons he could use against intruders.

THE 1.1

If you just want him to like you, meet him on tone. Flatter him. After all, he's putting on a show for your benefit. Why not enjoy it and let him know you do?

High-tone people nearly always get angry in the vicinity of a 1.1 (especially if they're trying to get something done). It can serve a purpose if you want to get him out of your hair. If he's mobile at all, he'll feel that it's safe to come up-tone and fight back. If he 's a chronic 1.1, however, he'll retreat because he fears and respects Anger.

George was receiving repeated vicious, underhanded attacks from a business associate. One day, fed up with the Covert attempts to do him in, George confronted his adversary: "Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?"

The 1.1 laughed, denying the charges; but he quit attacking. In fact, George established a certain low-level rapport with the man by correctly indicating the 1.1's true intentions.

NO SYMPATHY

Since this tone is part of the 1.1 band, it will also handle well with Anger. Instead of a direct fight, however, you can also try aiming the Anger at someone else.

A friend of mine (normally high-tone) was feeling hateful toward a business associate. He was caught in a bottled-up silence so typical of 1.2. Taking his side, I began to talk angrily about his "enemy." This brought some signs of life, so I continued. Soon we were plotting the painful extinction of the other man; together we dreamed up schemes for outrageous and vicious revenge. In a few minutes he was bored with conventional ideas so our plots became more diabolical and ludicrously funny. My friend was laughing uproariously when he finally said, "Oh, the hell with it. I have more important things to do."

ANGER

You'll never get together with an Anger person by trying to sooth and mollify him. If he's angry at you, you can tone match. That is, leap in and have a real row. He'll love you for it. Remember that the person most admired by the hardened commanding general is his opposite number – the tough commanding general of the enemy's army.

A friend of mine spent years cowering and slinking away from her 1.5 husband. One day he stormed at her and she yelled back. They flew into battle, raging at each other in the first major fight in their twelve years of marriage. When they ran down, they looked at each other in amazement and burst out laughing together.

There are times when you will need to turn off Anger directed at you by directing it somewhere else. Several years ago when I was in the real estate business, a client called me. He was so mad he was spitting hornets. I had sold him some property; but my broker failed to deliver the final papers. Repeated phone calls to the broker failed to get results, so the client was taking out his mad on me. He blasted away for about five minutes. I let him blast. When he finished, I said, "I don't blame you for being mad. I'm going to find out what's going on down there and, believe me, we'll get action. I'll call you within twenty-four hours."

Before the day was over, I raised some dust myself, found the reason for the delay and took care of it. The papers were on the way when I phoned him the next morning. He responded on the cheerful side of Antagonism and then moved upscale. "You know, I like that," he said, "somebody who gets action instead of arguing with me."

From a commercial viewpoint, this tone matching turned out profitably. He so admired my treatment of his affairs that he referred three new buyers to me within the next six months.

ANTAGONISM

Henry, a business executive, used Boredom successfully for turning off an Antagonistic person. A reporter phoned Henry to say, "I'm going to write an article about you. I'm investigating your outfit. What's your answer to the charge that your company . . .?"

"Oh, that same old thing again?"

Henry's attitude dismissed the challenging question as unimportant. You could almost hear the bored yawn in his voice as he chatted amiably about some of his company's mundane and non-controversial activities. Soon the reporter became bored himself. "Well, I'll call you if any more questions come up."

"Sure, you do that. Any time."

The conversation ended so low-key that the reporter never wrote the article.

Another method for handling Antagonism is to meet his tone, but aim it at another target. A surly plumber came to replace a defective garbage disposal for me. I asked him if he could put the new one in the opposite side of the divided sink. He grumbled that it would involve too much work and expense. Realizing that I shouldn't get his Antagonism directed at me in this case, I said, "OK. I see what you mean."

Later I remarked, "You know, these builders are a bunch of idiots. You see, they put the disposal on this side and the switch on that side. The dish cupboards are all over here . . . obviously this was installed by some dumbbell who never went into a kitchen except to eat."

He was happy to have a ready-made enemy, so he started ranting on about those "stupid builders." He worked up such a flap that he called the owner of the building, complained about the lame-brained plumbers and obtained permission to move the unit to the opposite sink.

You can also meet 2.0 head-on in direct combat. I once met an Antagonistic attorney at a party. I tried some cheerful conversation with him; but he was sour and rude – constantly contradicting, challenging and interrupting – so I abandoned the niceties to play the game in his arena "Boy, you sure like to fight, don't you? "

"What do you mean? I'm a peace loving man."

"Don't give me that. You can't resist an argument."

"That's ridiculous!"

"No, it isn't. You never let anybody say anything without disagreeing."

"I do too," he protested.

"See? You even had to disagree with that. You won't let me say a thing without contradicting it."

"Hey! You got me all wrong. I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Don't kid me. You'd be bored to death if you couldn't fight with someone."

This went on for some time (to the extreme anguish of some lower-tone people in our vicinity), but my friend was getting more alive and stimulated by our verbal exchange. Later, bright and cheerful, he said, "You know, you're really OK."

"That's right."

We were both laughing as he said, "Hey! We agreed on something."

THE SALESMAN

A good salesman uses the tone scale naturally. A new prospect is often apathetic about your product when you first approach him (after all, he's lived this long without it, so who needs it?) But if you meet him on his tone level and talk him up the chart until he's interested or enthusiastic, you've a good chance for a sale.

Most salesmen use the technique of finding a subject that interests the customer. He may be low-tone about business, but tremendously interested in raising tropical fish, so you inquire about the health of his neon tetras. As he talks of them, he'll become more enthused. After he's upscale, you casually ask how many carloads of gidgets he needs today.

If you're a sales manager, you already know there's nothing more deadly than the creeping contagion of salesman's Apathy. Suppose there's been a long strike in the city; the economy is shaky; everyone's cautious and waiting; orders are scarce. Your salesmen are thinking of going out on the corner with tin cups. How do you boost their morale? If you call a sales meeting, don't try to hit those boys with a pitch full of puffed-up enthusiasm. Their thoughts and comments about you would be unprintable. Tone match.

You can raise the tone of a group of dejected people by thoroughly acknowledging just how bad things are: "Well (sigh) this has been quite a month. I was waiting in line for lunch at the Salvation Army today and I got to talking with the president of General Motors. . ."

"My wife and I held a garage sale last weekend. We cleared ten dollars, which is twice my commission for last month. We celebrated by going out to the Dairy Queen."

Take all the coveted grievances and blow them up to the point of gross exaggeration. Misery loves company (that's what tone matching is all about), and once they realize someone does understand that things are tough, they can let go of the emotion. They'll soon be laughing and coming upscale. When this occurs, you can outline the new advertising program and start painting a brighter picture for the future.

COMPULSIVE TONE MATCHING

I stress knowingly tone matching, because we unknowingly do so all the time – and it knocks us down. It's natural to seek communication with others. So we adjust downward until we can find some area of agreement. The trouble is, when we don't realize we're doing it we slip down-tone ourselves.

If we admire an individual (or consider him superior in some way) we can get clobbered even more thoroughly (if he's low-tone), because he's going to use his expertise to sell us a low-scale attitude. We rush to the brilliant engineer with our great new idea. We're going to build a supersonic, computerized, better mousetrap with built-in Roquefort. Enthusiastically, we spill it all out; but he fails to respond. Seeking his agreement, we keep dropping downscale. Eventually (after all, he's an authority, isn't he?) we concede that it's hard to come up with anything new these days; nobody's making a fortune now, and the income tax boys get you first anyway. We slump away wondering how we could have entertained such a stupid dream. We go back to reading our comic books.

To successfully tone match we must be stably upscale. It's the only way we can adjust to lower tones without losing the high-tone viewpoint. That's the difference between knowingly tone matching and the compulsive kind – you don't lose the upscale viewpoint.

HOW DOES THE LOW-TONE PERSON ATTACK?

To successfully deal with tones, we should know the three methods of attack the low-tone person may use: l) thought, 2) emotion and 3) effort.

A person in Apathy, using thought, will try to convince us that everything is hopeless; we're failures; we can't hold a decent job; we've wasted our lives and how could anyone love us anyway?

Using Apathy emotion with the volume turned up, he can drive us to the bottom by just emanating the emotion itself. He can sit around feeling that there's no hope for himself, for anyone or anything. The world is doomed. Without saying a word, he permeates the atmosphere with so much black gloom – that we collapse just from the fall-out.

Apathy efforts are equally devastating. If someone apathetically handles the materials related to our survival, we are influenced. If your wife insults the boss, wrecks the car, lets your home become filthy, fails to feed and dress your children, you'll be driven down (or to the divorce court). If an employee loses your orders, destroys your goodwill and breaks down your machinery, your survival is threatened and it's a short trip down to Apathy yourself – unless you fire him.

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE

If continued attempts to cope with a low-tone person fail and you find yourself coming unglued, break your connections. Why be a hero? Nobody will appreciate it. Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you pull in a Sympathy person to "take care of you . "

Tone matching is only easy with the occasional acquaintance. Otherwise it's a strain. To deal with people closer to us, let's find out how to raise tone.